A Forgotten Principle in World Religions

Four-handed Vishnu carrying the conch, the lotus, the discus, and the club.

Religion is basically this: a list of dos and don'ts that will snap you back into your constitutional position as a spiritual being. But there is one principle that the people of many religions seem to ignore or neglect: kindness.

 I remember reading through a Bible that contained lots of cool study tips and discussion recommendations for people looking to have class on the many subject matters within. On one page there was a list of regulative principles: no gambling, no intoxication, and no illicit sex. I was fascinated because in the religion that I was brought up with, we also have these principles, but we also have the no meat principle as well. Nevertheless, it caught my interest and stuck with me for a very long time. These principles tend to be very straightforward. Practicing them instills discipline and creates an atmosphere where a person can maintain focus on his/her goal: the Supreme. Those are the don'ts.

But the dos are not always quite so clearly presented. Think about it. What are the dos of your faith? They aren't usually listed out for us in the way that the don'ts are, but I think it's safe to say the most religions suggest prayer (amounts may vary), the study of a text, and regular congregation with like-minded individuals (amounts may vary). In my own faith, you can add what we call puja "worship" to that list. This is not simply done via prayer. We offer food, water/milk, flowers, and incense to God, first praying to the spiritual master, then directly to God. We also do mantra meditation for about two hours a day, seven days a week. These types of things should fill up a person's day to the point where the Supreme is on the mind constantly. My apologies for not getting to the point sooner, but here it is:

Despite all of these wonderful activities (dos), we still manage to treat each other very poorly. I frequently hear about people halting all attendance to their church or temple due to someone bad mouthing them behind their backs, or perhaps to their face. Impolite attitudes are common as well. It is extremely important that we start pushing kindness as one of our primary principles. Kindness creates positive energy and enthusiasm. A person who shows up depressed can leave in high spirits. Someone who once had negative stereotypes about a certain group of people, may relinquish those after meeting you. We need more of this! Here are three ways one should practice kindness that often get overlooked.

1.
Be kind even when you're in a bad mood. You are not keeping it real by ruining other people's day just because yours isn't going so great. So make being polite a top priority.

2.
Be kind when correcting the improper behavior of others. Improper behavior is usually due to a person simply not knowing any better. Be as polite as possible if you find it necessary to give corrective advice. Do not call that person out in the middle of a group of people. It should be a very private thing, driven by good intentions.

3.
Be kind even if someone has offended you in some way. This one can be extremely difficult to do, because usually our ego is somewhat damaged by the offense. Remember that God has to be fair and equal in His judgments, but you don't. Your mercy can act as an extender of God's mercy. The less offended you are by the transgressions of others, and the more complete your forgiveness is of those transgressions, the less damage is done on the part of the offender. In this way, s/he will have a reduced reaction to this offense, if any at all. I have firm faith that this is what the Lord would want from us (See the story of Jagai and Madhai.)


Whether you are Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, or Atheist, please try practicing more kindness, not only to people, but to animals, insects, and plants as well. It will make the world a better place.


-Dev

Four Acts of Love

La Fea (Lety) daydreaming about Don Fernando

                                                                           

I once wrote that without service, love is at best extreme attachment, and at worst nothing more than a word. It's easy for us to get puffed up and resent such a word as service. But it's not as bad as people tend to think. Besides, without it the person you are with will start to feel alone in the relationship. So, here (for me) loving acts and loving service are somewhat interchangeable. I'm going to discuss three different levels of loving acts or service that one should perform for his/her beloved. This description is by no means exhaustive. However, I do hope it gives you some idea of the different things we are agreeing to when we agree to love.



1. BIG big loving acts
These types of acts come very seldom in a lifetime between two people. They are the most memorable moments, and not everyone gets to have them. Included are marriage proposals, marriage itself, first dates, very special vacations, the birth of a child, and final goodbyes (before death). These are extremely important moments in their own way. If you can, perform them well.

2. Big loving acts
These acts of love can be performed more frequently, though they may still be too big to do often. You should shoot for one every couple months. They might include taking vacations together, very VERY special dates, spending birthdays and holidays together, learned activities (learning to ride horses together or learning a little salsa), or special preparations (perhaps you'll paint a picture of your lover or make him/her some type of gift with your own two hands).

3. Medium loving acts
I know, the size seems to be getting smaller, but let's not mistake that for a signal of decreasing importance. After all, it's your day to day life that makes you who you are! Medium loving acts can be done once or twice per month, and include things such as unique sexual encounters, little gifts, dates, regular social activities such as church/temple attendance, and other special favors like the cooking of a really fancy dinner. Also, people usually have really good and bad luck once or twice a month. Being there to cheer on and/or support the love of your life during those time is an important service.

4. Little loving acts
This brings the phrase it's the little things that count to its utmost level. These little acts of love can be performed a few times per week and are vital happiness and contentment on a day to day basis. These include cuddle time, back rubs, foot massages, quality time activities like movie night or keeping up with a favorite tv show together, saying "I love you," other little activities like doing crossword puzzles or little games together, your regular dose of great sex, compliments, walks, cooking dinner for your love, inquiring into the welfare of the person you love ("How was your day at work today?"), and cleaning up after that person.

To conclude, as I mentioned already, the smaller acts are easier to perform, but they're also the most frequent. With that being said, they're essential to a couple's happiness, way more so than the Big big loving acts. There may be financial limitations to the Big big acts, but the smaller ones should never be neglected. You may read this list and think that yes, you've done all of these things. But are you doing them as frequently as I have suggested? If not, pick up the pace! Your partner has given up any potential of ever being with someone else so that s/he could be with you. Someone in this world has vowed to stick with you until the end of your days! That is an amazing sacrifice, and you should spend the rest of your life making sure s/he doesn't regret it.




-Dev

A Man's Duty Taken for Granted

Every day I log onto instagram or facebook and see posts just like the one above over and over again. This post makes some good points. But I wanted to add two bits of advice for any man who sees this and thinks he's going to use the things listed above on the next woman he likes. First, use these things sparingly. I don't care if you've been with that woman for 6 months or you just met 6 days ago. Second, know that this list of things is extremely valuable. Not many people are selfless, and women are no exception. Below, I explain both of these points in some detail.

1. Use your super powers sparingly!
I have a (guy) friend who has been wanting to get married since he was 12 years old (so he says). He is everything that the picture above demands that he be. Oh, he's not perfect. He likes to smoke a little weed and play his Play Station 3.  But he keeps a job, he has his own place, he has his own car, he doesn't drink, and he's good at showing attention to the woman he loves. I have another friend, same deal. But this one doesn't do any drugs, he doesn't drink. He has a job, he's a devout Christian, he has his own place, his own car, and he's in college. Again, he has the above list of "men's duties to a woman" down cold.

These two guys make the same mistake over and over: they smother their potential match with this nonsense until she stops returning their calls. You might say, "Well, Dev, the above picture has 'smother me' written all over it." Indeed it does! I'm glad you noticed that! Hehe... But the fact of the matter is this: it is very possible that the women who keep posting this stuff are single and starting to feel a little lonely. What they want is most likely amplified because of that. Women want to know that they have a good catch on their hands. You have to let them miss you, at least a little bit, before you go bugging them. If you tell her she's beautiful all the time, it will lose its effect. Tell her when it counts. How about that?

What you're giving is a treat, and you need to act accordingly. If you give a kid too many treats, she'll get a tummy ache and start refusing the candy. Same goes for women. Use this stuff too much and she'll begin rejecting you.

Take this advice very seriously, fellas. I've given this advice to friends before and they simply could not help themselves. They proceeded to smother anyways. This got them rejected by potential mates, and neglected or taken advantage of in established relationships.



2. You have the power, now choose carefully!
Now that you have both the qualitative and the quantitative sides down, you should know that selfishness is not a phenomenon pertaining to men alone. Women suffer from it too. In fact, many women (imo), despite their extensive knowledge on what men need to do for them, have no clue as to how to treat and love a man in return. You do NOT want to get stuck with a person like this. So, after many years of dating, I've learned to test it. Here are some things you should look out for:

(Remember, it's not only quality, it's also quantity. So don't go judging them after one or two mistakes. This needs to be a chronic problem occurring in more than a few ways.)

-She doesn't show much interest
You take the time to ask how her day was. You take the time to ask how work went. You take the time to ask how her family and friends are doing. But she doesn't ask you any of these things. This doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you. But it is a sign that she's too selfish to remember that she's actually supposed to do these things for you.


- She isn't aware of the world around her.
You go to the movies and notice that when you went through the front door, she didn't hold it open for that cute couple that was right behind her. It pretty much slammed in their faces. The lady at the cash register smiles and says, "Hello, welcome to such-n-such theater" and she doesn't even respond to her. On your way out, she accidentally bumps shoulders with someone who politely says, "Excuse me" but she doesn't respond or even look back. She's also a little cold with the waiter, later on when you take her out to dinner.

This my friend, is a sign of a selfish person. Write that down in your little mental notepad and be very cautious about her.


-She's not exactly the nurturing type
You buy flowers, you pay for all the dates, you do all the driving, you give foot massages and back rubs, let her pick which movie to watch and you let her select the radio station. But, for some reason, she complained the entire time you were out on that date. After noticing that you were going to pay, she didn't offer to leave the tip. Despite all the pampering, when was the last time she gave you a back rub? Come to think of it, was it the shortest, crappiest back rub you've ever received? Hell, has she ever done anything special for you (outside of your birthday and holidays when she's kind of obligated) without you having to ask for it?


These are just a few things that you should look out for. If they keep popping up, you should start reconsidering this relationship. No matter how much she loves you, she's just too selfish to ever treat a good man how he deserves to be treated. She has a lot more learning and growing to do as a person, and that could very well take the rest of her life to learn. If you're willing to wait and teach her through this, do so at your own risk.

So, fellas, stop distributing your awesomeness so much and for so little. Learn to hold out a bit. Get a life. Hit the gym. Hang out with your buddies. Pick a fine art and make the decision to work on it for 20-30 minutes everyday for the rest of your life. Read good books and learn to enjoy watching good movies alone. Be someone interesting, and be independent. These things will keep you busy enough not to smother that beautiful woman you just met, who's been showing some interest. And when you finally land a date with her, don't go falling in love too fast. Take two friggin seconds to see how she acts. Does she show any interest in you as a person? How does she treat the people around her? Does she do as much pampering as she's expecting from you? Love is a two-way street. Without reciprocity, you're going to start feeling very alone, very fast, despite the fact that she's sitting right there in front of you.


Best,

-Dev

More Grad School Advice for Newbies

The Material
One major difference between graduate and undergraduate level study is the density of the material being covered. Your first year of grad school will be extremely intense and intimidating. You'll read books that are difficult to understand, and you'll read journal articles that are seemingly impenetrable. I personally entered my department with a background in Historical Linguistics, but soon came to realize that the faculty there were doing things very differently. Mine is a theory driven department full of people who talk fast, argue faster, and support their hypotheses with cutting edge quantitative analysis. I was geared up for an Indo-European studies department, maybe for a Classics department, not this. The process of gradschool brings the phrase fed with a fire hose to a new level. So be prepared to learn things you never knew before, despite your 4.0 GPA and your awesome senior thesis. Be prepared to google a slew of new terminology, some of which may not have caught on in the rest of the scientific community (not even in your field). Be prepared to read the same paper twice, no, three times if needed.


The Time
As an undergrad, I was a wiz. I worked about 2-4 hours a day, reading textbooks or doing homework. No biggie. But grad school is work... Seriously, you go to a job for 8-12 hours, 5 or 6 days a week in the real world. Be prepared to work like that. If you work about 6 hours and have one class on average, that's normal. This is what we do. Get used to it. And at the end of each semester, be prepared to have those 8 hour days turn into 14-16 hour days. You'll need the extra time to write up term papers and cram for exams.


Teaching
If you're lucky (as I was... or am) you'll have a great teaching supervisor (probably separate from your primary adviser), who helps you get the wheels moving at the head of the classroom. You'll take a semester or a year to prep. You'll learn the ropes, practice teaching from a chapter of some textbook in front of other grad students. And then, after all that, you'll have your first teaching experience. The first minute and a half of teaching is the most difficult. It's kind of like being born. It's a metamorphosis. You were the person in one of the desks before you, but now you're the person at the front of the classroom, and you don't feel you're supposed to be there. Your skin is hot, dizziness sets in, and you're rambling on about yourself as a means of introduction but you have no clue what you're saying. But then it ends. You can transfer the pressure to the rest of the class, if it's small enough. Have them introduce themselves. Make some jokes. Wipe the sweat from your forehead. It'll give you time to recover.

After that it's smooth sailing, sort of. The first semester of teaching will be plagued with mistakes and unanswerable questions. It's one thing to read a textbook and pass an exam on the material. It's another thing to know the material so well that you can get up there and teach it to others. It has to be second nature to you. You have to be prepared to explain the fuzzy parts in a way that's understandable to everyone else. You have to learn to parry the tough questions when you think a complicated answer might scare off the students with less experience. You have to be tough, ready to do a little crowd control when that cute little couple in the back decides to talk through half the class. If you didn't have social skills before, you should get started on that.

Moreover, this will suck up the time you would like to be spending on your own research, or your own homework. You have to be able to do both. After the syllabus is finished, and you have enough materials to get you through an entire semester on that subject, it'll get easier. A few minor changes every semester to help you teach an ever improving class is important, but it won't take up too much time.This process (minus the first 1.5 minutes of your first day) repeats when you have to teach something new. But it's important to be a good teacher. Think about some of your own professors; how terrible they were at teaching; how much easier things would have been had they just explained X in a better way; how you had to get a separate textbook just to figure out the stuff Dr. So-and-So barely seems to know himself (or herself!). For some of you, this will be your favorite part of grad school. For others, it's hell. You're not big on humans (students), you're not big on confrontation (talkative and/or cheating students), and you definitely do not want to look like an idiot in front of a bunch of people. But this, for many of us anyway, is a part of life. And if you gotta do it, you might as well do it well, right?


The Other Stuff
I went to a conference as an undergrad. It was a nice little addition to my experience in academia, but not necessary. In grad school (and beyond), this type of thing is very necessary. You need to learn to be on a constant lookout for grants to fund your research/travel. You need to be on constant watch for employment opportunities. You need your CV up and ready to go, so update it regularly as you progress. Make some business cards to trade with other scholars at conferences. Practice talking about your research while at home alone, or with a close friend. Be able to tell someone about how awesome you are within the span of five minutes or so. Yup, yet another chunk of time you won't be spending doing research (sigh).

There are some other things as well, like networking with your fellow grad students, emailing other scholars, participating in departmental affairs, showing up to office hours... etc. I'll keep thinking it through and post more, if necessary.

Good luck!

-Dev

Finding Love in an American Culture(s?)

What does it mean in the U.S. for two people to come together, form a romantic bond, and vow to each other to stay together for the rest of their lives? It sounds simple enough, but is it really?

I recently read an article in the Huffington Post about a woman who's 45, single, and without children:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-notkin/single-and-childless-nothing-wrong-with-me_b_5940642.html




There isn't enough information given to pass judgement on this woman, just as she didn't give her date enough information for him to decide "what was wrong" either. If you're iffy about clicking links on questionable blogs, here is the article in a nutshell: there's nothing wrong with me, I just haven't found my match!

Mental/Personal Attraction
But what is a (good) match? What does that mean? Here in the U.S., people come from a multitude of backgrounds and cultures. Everyone seems to have a different perspective on what a match is. In some countries, this is a straightforward issue. Everyone has the same religion. Everyone gets hooked up by their parents (they usually have a choice in the matter, but the parents do the arranging) according to social class, physical attributes, and a congenial relationship between the two families. If the two like each other, they get married, fast. And it stays that way... forever.

But, if we are to mix and integrate despite our differences (here), how do we deal with this when it comes time to choose a mate? I'm vegetarian, but she can't live without steak. I have a post-graduate degree, but she only has a high school diploma. I exercise regularly, but she doesn't. I like to see plays and hear a symphonies, but she likes the hot spot where local rock bands perform. I'm a spiritual person, but she's a hardcore Christian who thinks that, no matter how good I am, without being like her, I'm going to hell... forever. Is it possible to avoid being stuck in some clique and, at the same time, to find someone with similar interests? Interest begins with physical attraction, but what are the odds that we'll click? Very slim indeed. There must be more to it than this. Far too many people are putting important things to the side in order to satisfy physical "needs".


Physical Attraction
Before concluding, shall we discuss looks? Let me read for you a status update that I saw today on an online dating site:

"if u not light skinned with tattoo and 5'6 and taller please dont bother talkin to me and I dont do broke guys so please have a job im not a atm...." 

This woman is 23, has two children, is slightly overweight, has no degree, works in retail (cashier?), obviously has the writing skills of a 12 year old, and seems to be extremely proud of her breast. Her bio isn't negative, but it's only about three sentences long (if you split a run-on sentence into two), so potential suitors will learn next to nothing about her. Most importantly, this little list she wrote is superficial and, dare I say, racist? Let's take it into consideration, one thing at a time.

1st: She wants a light skin man, but she has dark skin. She's not extremely dark, but come on! She's asking for men not to be the very thing that she is. 

2nd: Tattoos? What on Earth do tattoos have to do with standards for a long term relationship? (FYI, she has none herself.)

3rd: She's 5' 2". Every woman seems to want a tall guy, and that's understandable. Her height preference isn't outrageous, but to put that out there in such a way seems shallow. Can't she just not respond to short guys?

4th: She doesn't want him to be broke. Understandable, but how long has she been at her job? What kind of future does she have in terms of a career, considering that she's 23, uneducated, and works in retail? 

Summary: She's a near broke, uneducated, overweight, short, dark skin woman who seems to want everything in a man that she does not possess as a woman.

This is merely an extreme example of what is going on in the U.S. today. We're all shooting for the stars. We all want that fantasy mate, who we didn't originally think was possible to find. Screw finding someone who's just right. We want better! We all want to be that girl from Pretty in Pink who, despite her shortcomings, totally lands that guy who's out of her league. Why? Because she's "different". We do not want someone who's just right. We want the paragon, and we won't settle for less, because then we'd just be unhappy anyways, right? O....M....G. So, this is America. We either land that unrealistic dream come true, or we stay single well into our forties.


My Advice
You have been conditioned and trained from your very birth to think and feel a certain way. You need to recondition yourself asap. You need to call into question all of your criteria. I'm not saying to lower your standards, just to question them. Write them down and think them through.

Examples:
"I'm 4'11". Why do I want a guy who's over 5'9" so badly?" Most women (who don't have height insecurities) seem to want a guy who is about 6 to 8 inches taller. That way they can wear heals. Maybe you should follow suit. You probably want that super tall guy simply for the fact that everyone else wants him. It has nothing to do with what's a good match for *you*.

"I'm not very fond of the gym. I don't watch my diet. And I'm not super active. So why do I feel the need to have a guy who's athletic?" Because they're hot! No doubt about it. But how well would the two of you get along? Maybe you have a cute face and you're great in bed. Maybe you two like some of the same movies and bands. But his life is geared toward health and fitness. When he's heading out to the gym, he's going to invite you to come along and you'll politely refuse. You'll see him developing more and more, physically, while you remain the same, or worse, slowly deteriorate. This is going to kill on an emotional level. You'll start wanting the lights off during love making. You'll stop taking showers with him. You'll get suspicious of his diet and exercise advice (which he's only giving because you asked or complained about your weight). Maybe your best bet is to find someone who likes vegging out with Netflix. He may not be full of muscles, but you two will be much happier.


"I'm Asian. My parents are Asian. My culture and belief system is Asian. Why do I feel like nothing less than a dusty haired, blue eyed, white guy will do?" You've grown up your whole life seeing young stunning white guys save the day in movies. Last of the Mohicans, Avatar, The Last Samurai, Dances with Wolves, Guardians of the Galaxy...etc. White guys are the handsome ones on your favorite tv show, in your favorite novel, and in your favorite band. The white kids in school are the ones that all of your friends are chasing. They're on the covers of magazines and in the catalogs from your favorite stores. You have been trained up from day one to prefer this kind of person, despite your background. But, chances are slim that he'll have much experience or interest in things you value most. Or he may find it interesting, but have no interest in being a part of it. You'll be trying to force two cultures together on the grounds of physical attraction. It's doable, but difficult. Many relationships don't survive simply because the two people were just too different. I'm not saying to rule out white guys. I'm simply saying to keep your options open. Try dating someone with similar values. Try reconditioning yourself for a while. Learn to love your people once more. Learn to appreciate the beauty of the men in your culture. Then try again to find love with an open mind and an open heart.

I'm the product of an interracial marriage and my parents are still together after so many years. But they love each other on a personal level, not due to some fetish for a person of a certain race.


Final Conclusions
First and foremost, we have to become more realistic about love. We can't all have the Pretty in Pink story. For every person who lands a romantic relationship with someone out of their league, there must also be that person who settled for them.

Instead, try finding someone who is a genuinely good match. Stop chasing after what you think everyone else wants. Be okay with the possibility that you have to settle for someone who's actually good for you. Call into question your standards and be sure that you want what you want for the right reasons. Don't seek out a match in hopes of making up for your shortcomings or relieving your insecurities. You have to be okay with the following thought: I love guys with X quality, but I'm just not like that, so we probably wouldn't be a good match.

Atheism: the new religion

Dear Atheists,

I just wanted to say, first and foremost, that I respect any person who is striving to better himself physically, mentally, socially, and (optionally) spiritually. This includes you.

But I must advise you the same way I advise everyone else: be sure that your fight for justice does not turn into a fight for superiority. I'm seeing strange things these days. I'm seeing a trend of people becoming atheists and speaking very poorly of religion. This needs to stop before you become nothing more than the very enemy that held you down for so long.

You should know that religion does not do bad things. People do. With that being said, you are just as vulnerable to lies, cheating, murder, molestation, rape, and theft as the pastor at the local church (FYI, I'm not Christian or Muslim, nor will I ever be).

Consider the possibility that the following headlines suddenly started occurring in your news feed regularly:

Local Atheist Caught Embezzling Funds

Leader of Atheist Group in California Guilty of Child Molestation

Scientist who advocates atheism says "People of X group do not deserve to live" 


This stuff happens regularly, but there is never a connection with the person's preference to be an atheist, or inclusion in some atheists group, with the crime. When you post things like this about religious leaders (and specifically adding that they are a religious leader), you are saying something. You're indirectly stating that it's religion's fault. Don't do this. Don't pretend like science (the religion of atheists) doesn't have its dark secrets. I know all about the "publish or perish" trend that exists in the world of academia. So many people are tricked, injured, or killed due to the bogus results of some series of studies. So many people fudge their data to get the results they want because they need to publish to get that job or that grant money. Don't pretend that your way is the new holy path, and that religion is full of crap. You don't know any better than the next guy what's out there, or how the universe began (yes, you have the big bang *theory*, but you have no clue how the ingredients got there in the first place).

Atheists have their silly things that they do, just as the religious folks do. Atheists can be as dogmatic as any Jesus freak. Just join up in some department somewhere and you'll see. The "old trouts" in my department cling to their fading theories for dear life! It happens. We're all human, and errare humanum est. It's okay!

We all need to start treating other better. We need to start celebrating our differences, instead of simply tolerating them (and talking badly behind each other's backs).

I am a spiritual person. My perspective on life is that there is something more to the world than meets the eye. Living a disciplined lifestyle so that one can develop a focused and uninterrupted love for the Supreme is essential for me. Harmonizing with the world, including the animals, insects, birds, etc. is important to me. Treating other people with respect, even if I think they're a little silly acting, is important to me. I do not laugh at Christians when they speak in tongues or catch the Holy Spirit. I celebrate that. I celebrate the diversity in my country. I celebrate their right to be who they wish to be and believe what they wish to believe, so long as they aren't hurting others or impinging on the rights of others. So should you.

Some religious people have a lot to learn. But there is so much bad talk on them already, that I shouldn't need to get into that. This is about you. You are awesome. You are amazing. I appreciate your fresh perspective and truly believe that it can help the world. But you are *not* better than the next person. Wiping religion off the face of the Earth will *not* lead to some Utopia where Captain Kirk travels around the galaxy turning savages into civilized creatures by beating up one person and giving a 15 minute speech to the rest. Some of your ideas are just as silly as any religious view. But I love you for that. That's the difference between us.


***I don't want people to think that atheism automatically = science, or that scientist = atheist. Religious folks rely on religion for many answers about the world. Atheists refer to soft and hard science for many answers. I'm simply pointing out that both methods have their fallacies which, 99.9% of the time, are imposed by us, rather than the method itself.

Grad School for Minorities: a few tips

So, a friend of mine (that's not her in the picture above) recently notified me of some bad news. It seems she's been dismissed from her department (she was a grad student working on her PhD) for some reason. I just wanted to discuss the ups and downs of her situation, and to give advice to anyone else of African American descent (or Latino) who is struggling with grad school.

1. There is a good chance that you were not trained up from birth to be who you are today!

What I mean by this is that many minority families do not gear their kids up for grad school and/or academia. Our parents usually don't even have bachelor's degrees for God's sake! So, when you get to grad school and none of it makes sense; when you get there and everyone seems like a genius but you; when you arrive and realize that your reading and writing skills aren't what they should be, DO NOT run away (first things first!). But also, DO NOT blame faculty and/or other students for your performance.

This woman (who is amazing by the way, don't get me wrong, not one bit!) was told that her writing skills were very poor and that she should settle for a lesser degree. Tsk tsk, Prof! That's pretty harsh! But I've read some of her stuff and, to be frank, she does need some work. But she shouldn't have left the department, and she definitely should not have blamed the faculty. Now, after so many years of work, she's left without a committee and without a means of finishing up!

I, myself, am currently playing hot potato with my diss(ertation) proposal, and was recently told to take it to the writing center...... to the writing center!?! Lol. This is something I wouldn't have minded hearing as an undergrad, but sheesh! What a blow to the ol' ego. But, I'm not going to hold that against that committee member. I know that I was raised in a home that didn't promote education. I know I need a little extra work. And I'm okay with that. Bring it on, bitches! I'm going to finish this dissertation and be an amazing researcher in my field, and I'm thankful to my committee for taking the time to make sure that people of color are making it to the top, despite the fact that (some of us) have the odds stacked against us.


2. You only have so much time. Don't fart around.

This person seems to have been in her department for about 9 years. That's a long time, even for a grad student. To get away from race just for a minute, there was a guy in my office when I first started grad school (grad students usually have to share an office), and he was on his 8th year. Needless to say, he was only able to stick around for a year after that. So, with that being said, what happened to my good friend, seems legit... sorta. 9 years is too long, even if everything else that her advisers said was untrue.

Yes, you have funding. Yes, you have put in a lot of time and effort. Yes, you do still deserve a PhD! But you have to get 'er done! The guy in my office, as upset as he was, got a job teaching (at the college level), and still managed to finish his dissertation, with the continued support of his committee. That's dedication in the face of adversity. If you don't make it, that reflects poorly on the faculty. Believe me. They want to you succeed. Black PhDs are like unicorns, and they sit around dreaming of patting themselves on the back after having helped to make one. Hehe...

So don't give up, and don't slack off. You may need some extra time because you and the culture that you've blossomed from is different from what the university is used to teaching. Kick it into overdrive, learn the things that you should've known when you got there (in your spare time), and don't be afraid to bug your advisers. They can get so wrapped up in their own research and whatnot, that you'll fall between the cracks before you know it. Trust me. This comes from a guy who, after being unsuccessful at his first candidacy exam, had his adviser come up and say, "I have not been there for you the way I should have, and I apologize for that." (And he worked with me on a weekly basis after that, because he's friggin awesome!)


3. Don't be defensive or intimidated

Look, chances are, you're going to be the only Black/Latino in the room. That includes the classroom (as a student and as a teacher), the meeting room (with your adviser), and the conference room (when you travel here and there to present your research). There just aren't a lot of Black PhD students. Things are slowly changing, but we just aren't quite there yet. So, when you look feel like the black sheep, stay calm and kick some ass. You're going to feel alone. Your jokes won't be funny to some people. Conversation with you may be awkward, and you may not be very sociable either. This is natural because you represent something new in their world. Be cool about it, and don't give up.

My friend is feeling insecure and depressed about her situation. Perhaps her advisers were a bit harsh. But she could have left on better terms and still have a committee to watch over her dissertation. Now she just has past due loans and no PhD to show for it.



4. Conclusion
If you're a minority, there's a good chance that you'll struggle just a tad more than the others. There's a chance that you'll be in grad school for an extra year or so. And there's a chance that you'll feel left out and alone in the process. Hell, you may even have some professors treat you poorly. But don't give up. You owe it to yourself to go the distance. Get the extra help needed to enable you to keep up with the others. Work those extra hours so you don't fall too far behind. And if there's anyone in your department making you feel unwelcome, or not worth helping, ignore them and request a different adviser/committee member. You can do it!

The Good, the bad, and the ugly!

Hi all,

My name's Devaya (Day-Vah-Yuh), and I wanted to start a blog where I could discuss how I feel about certain subjects that may or may not be "good for business" so to speak. That is to say, if I want to rant about my love life, my boss/co-workers, or the world in general, I want to feel free to do so without getting left, fired, or judged (respectively).

No worries. I don't intend to write or say anything completely out of line. But I do believe I may have some knowledge to share for those who are seeking spirituality. I may have some advice for those who are struggling in college. I may have the low down for those who are confused about their love life. So, with that being said, expect my views to be blunt and honest, but not disrespectful (I hope).

My deepest apologies if this doesn't take off the way I'd like it to. I'm a proud parent, a hard worker, and a gym rat, so time may or may not be available for regular upkeep. But if awesome things come of it, be sure that I'll make time!

Thanks,

-Dev