I recently read an article in the Huffington Post about a woman who's 45, single, and without children:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-notkin/single-and-childless-nothing-wrong-with-me_b_5940642.html
There isn't enough information given to pass judgement on this woman, just as she didn't give her date enough information for him to decide "what was wrong" either. If you're iffy about clicking links on questionable blogs, here is the article in a nutshell: there's nothing wrong with me, I just haven't found my match!
Mental/Personal Attraction
But what is a (good) match? What does that mean? Here in the U.S., people come from a multitude of backgrounds and cultures. Everyone seems to have a different perspective on what a match is. In some countries, this is a straightforward issue. Everyone has the same religion. Everyone gets hooked up by their parents (they usually have a choice in the matter, but the parents do the arranging) according to social class, physical attributes, and a congenial relationship between the two families. If the two like each other, they get married, fast. And it stays that way... forever.
But, if we are to mix and integrate despite our differences (here), how do we deal with this when it comes time to choose a mate? I'm vegetarian, but she can't live without steak. I have a post-graduate degree, but she only has a high school diploma. I exercise regularly, but she doesn't. I like to see plays and hear a symphonies, but she likes the hot spot where local rock bands perform. I'm a spiritual person, but she's a hardcore Christian who thinks that, no matter how good I am, without being like her, I'm going to hell... forever. Is it possible to avoid being stuck in some clique and, at the same time, to find someone with similar interests? Interest begins with physical attraction, but what are the odds that we'll click? Very slim indeed. There must be more to it than this. Far too many people are putting important things to the side in order to satisfy physical "needs".
Physical Attraction
Before concluding, shall we discuss looks? Let me read for you a status update that I saw today on an online dating site:
"if u not light skinned with tattoo and 5'6 and taller please dont bother talkin to me and I dont do broke guys so please have a job im not a atm...."
This woman is 23, has two children, is slightly overweight, has no degree, works in retail (cashier?), obviously has the writing skills of a 12 year old, and seems to be extremely proud of her breast. Her bio isn't negative, but it's only about three sentences long (if you split a run-on sentence into two), so potential suitors will learn next to nothing about her. Most importantly, this little list she wrote is superficial and, dare I say, racist? Let's take it into consideration, one thing at a time.
1st: She wants a light skin man, but she has dark skin. She's not extremely dark, but come on! She's asking for men not to be the very thing that she is.
2nd: Tattoos? What on Earth do tattoos have to do with standards for a long term relationship? (FYI, she has none herself.)
3rd: She's 5' 2". Every woman seems to want a tall guy, and that's understandable. Her height preference isn't outrageous, but to put that out there in such a way seems shallow. Can't she just not respond to short guys?
4th: She doesn't want him to be broke. Understandable, but how long has she been at her job? What kind of future does she have in terms of a career, considering that she's 23, uneducated, and works in retail?
Summary: She's a near broke, uneducated, overweight, short, dark skin woman who seems to want everything in a man that she does not possess as a woman.
This is merely an extreme example of what is going on in the U.S. today. We're all shooting for the stars. We all want that fantasy mate, who we didn't originally think was possible to find. Screw finding someone who's just right. We want better! We all want to be that girl from Pretty in Pink who, despite her shortcomings, totally lands that guy who's out of her league. Why? Because she's "different". We do not want someone who's just right. We want the paragon, and we won't settle for less, because then we'd just be unhappy anyways, right? O....M....G. So, this is America. We either land that unrealistic dream come true, or we stay single well into our forties.
My Advice
You have been conditioned and trained from your very birth to think and feel a certain way. You need to recondition yourself asap. You need to call into question all of your criteria. I'm not saying to lower your standards, just to question them. Write them down and think them through.
Examples:
"I'm 4'11". Why do I want a guy who's over 5'9" so badly?" Most women (who don't have height insecurities) seem to want a guy who is about 6 to 8 inches taller. That way they can wear heals. Maybe you should follow suit. You probably want that super tall guy simply for the fact that everyone else wants him. It has nothing to do with what's a good match for *you*.
"I'm not very fond of the gym. I don't watch my diet. And I'm not super active. So why do I feel the need to have a guy who's athletic?" Because they're hot! No doubt about it. But how well would the two of you get along? Maybe you have a cute face and you're great in bed. Maybe you two like some of the same movies and bands. But his life is geared toward health and fitness. When he's heading out to the gym, he's going to invite you to come along and you'll politely refuse. You'll see him developing more and more, physically, while you remain the same, or worse, slowly deteriorate. This is going to kill on an emotional level. You'll start wanting the lights off during love making. You'll stop taking showers with him. You'll get suspicious of his diet and exercise advice (which he's only giving because you asked or complained about your weight). Maybe your best bet is to find someone who likes vegging out with Netflix. He may not be full of muscles, but you two will be much happier.
"I'm Asian. My parents are Asian. My culture and belief system is Asian. Why do I feel like nothing less than a dusty haired, blue eyed, white guy will do?" You've grown up your whole life seeing young stunning white guys save the day in movies. Last of the Mohicans, Avatar, The Last Samurai, Dances with Wolves, Guardians of the Galaxy...etc. White guys are the handsome ones on your favorite tv show, in your favorite novel, and in your favorite band. The white kids in school are the ones that all of your friends are chasing. They're on the covers of magazines and in the catalogs from your favorite stores. You have been trained up from day one to prefer this kind of person, despite your background. But, chances are slim that he'll have much experience or interest in things you value most. Or he may find it interesting, but have no interest in being a part of it. You'll be trying to force two cultures together on the grounds of physical attraction. It's doable, but difficult. Many relationships don't survive simply because the two people were just too different. I'm not saying to rule out white guys. I'm simply saying to keep your options open. Try dating someone with similar values. Try reconditioning yourself for a while. Learn to love your people once more. Learn to appreciate the beauty of the men in your culture. Then try again to find love with an open mind and an open heart.
I'm the product of an interracial marriage and my parents are still together after so many years. But they love each other on a personal level, not due to some fetish for a person of a certain race.
Final Conclusions
First and foremost, we have to become more realistic about love. We can't all have the Pretty in Pink story. For every person who lands a romantic relationship with someone out of their league, there must also be that person who settled for them.
Instead, try finding someone who is a genuinely good match. Stop chasing after what you think everyone else wants. Be okay with the possibility that you have to settle for someone who's actually good for you. Call into question your standards and be sure that you want what you want for the right reasons. Don't seek out a match in hopes of making up for your shortcomings or relieving your insecurities. You have to be okay with the following thought: I love guys with X quality, but I'm just not like that, so we probably wouldn't be a good match.
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